Eat, Drink, Woman, Stranger

Kaley Chu distils lessons from having lunch with 100 strangers from all walks of life.

By Danny Chan

In Lee Ang’s Oscar-nominated film “Eat, Drink, Man Woman”, the whimsical transition of a family is told vividly through the daily rituals of cooking and sharing of food.

In her new book, Melbourne-based author Kaley Chu also takes you on a transformative journey – her own – as she confronts her latent fears by lunching with complete strangers. 

Kaley Chu is an author, TEDx speaker, confidence coach and founder of 100 Lunches. Her new book, ‘100 Lunches with Strangers’ has catapulted the once timid young lady into the spotlight.

Featured in major Australian TV and media platforms including Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, Herald Sun, ABC News and interviewed by radio stations across the country, Kaley has an inspiring story to share: Why she turned lunching with strangers into a life-transforming journey.

Find out why Kaley’s story matter to dentists in ‘Breaking bread with strangers‘.

Kaley doesn’t just have a cool story to tell. She is a thought leader who by turning audacious ideas into action, has motivated scores of people – including entrepreneurs, franchisees and seasoned sales professionals – to re-examine their business ideals and networking methodology.

The TEDx speaker believes ‘One connection can change your life’. Perhaps she could be that elusive connection that would change yours.

Dental Resource Asia: What made you write the book?

Kaley Chu: I wrote the book because I really learned so much throughout my journey having lunch with strangers. I started the journey because being an immigrant, I massively lacked confidence. 

I knew I wanted to do something but as a mum with two young kids and a full time job, the only time I could spare out of my hectic daily schedules was lunchtime on weekdays – weekends were reserved for the family. 

As a result, my whole life changed. That’s why I wrote the book to share this simple solution to help people live a better life.

DRA: Increasingly, we live in an online world where you find polarizing opinions. Doesn’t that make it more difficult to connect with strangers in person?

KC: I agree that there is a polarization of opinions. That actually makes it more urgent for us to connect with people face to face.

Very soon, we are all going to be spending a lot of time in the Metaverse. Already, more people are working from home than ever before.

Based on a recent poll research, one in four adults in Australia actually feel lonely.

When people are hungry, they would go for a meal, or get a drink when they feel thirsty. Yet when we feel lonely, we do the opposite.

Research after research has found that when people feel lonely, they go inwards and distance themselves from others – precisely when they should be reaching out and seeking connections.

Today, most people seek connections by going online usually hiding behind a facade on social media.

The easiest solution I have found is to have lunch with a stranger. You’d be amazed how many meaningful one-to-one conversations you’re missing out on until you try it.

DRA: The ‘100 Lunches with Strangers’ goal was part of your new year’s resolution. As with most new year’s resolutions, it must have been difficult in the beginning.

KC: Like most people, my typical New Year’s resolution revolves around dieting and trying to lose excess kilos.

It was not easy at first, but it gets easier every time I do it. It’s the same as going on a diet. You see very little results at first until you press on and build up a momentum. As the results grow over time, they motivate you to keep going.

I was lucky in that by the third lunch, I could feel my confidence growing and that made it easier for me to press on.

I’m not saying that by three lunches, you’re going be unstoppable and full of confidence.

For me, I could see a massive difference from where I began. I started to be less intimidated by people. After each lunch, I would review my own ‘performance’. There were certainly things that I could have done better – or perhaps things I shouldn’t have said.

After a while, I realised that I was actually having fun. That made all the difference. Soon, it’s like eating chocolate and still losing weight!

DRA: Do you have people coming to you and complaining about their failed attempts?

KC: No. I do run my own Confidence Challenge as well as coaching to help people to build up their confidence. To people who need help getting started, I would send them a how-to guidance like a step-by-step process on how to invite strangers for lunch, and how to connect with strangers.

While I have prepared those coaching courses, the majority of the people just do it. They learn along the way and find their own way to connect. The feedback has been very, very positive.

And they all experienced very similar progress, from building up the confidence and growing their network to seeing a lot more opportunities come their way. Overall, most people tell me they are leading happier, more fulfilling lives. And hearing such feedback makes me really happy.

DRA: I read somewhere that the first two minutes of a meeting is what defines the mood and direction of the conversation. Does that square with your experience?

KC: Personally, I don’t think there’s a two-minute rule.

I mean if you manage to break the ice within the first two minutes of the conversation, then of course it’d be easier to continue doing that but at any given point in time, the whole conversation could change.

You might say something offensive and it goes from good to bad. Conversely, you may suddenly find something that you both love and are passionate about – maybe you have the same taste in music or share a common hobby.

Suddenly, you go from a flat conversation to a super excited one. You start talking really fast and sharing all the details.

DRA: Do you have examples of conversations that started one way but ended up going in a totally different direction?

KC: I’ve got plenty of them. An example that I love sharing is the one that taught me not to try too hard to fit in. I remember trying to copy the way other people spoke or behaved to try and assimilate into the Aussie culture. I’ve learned since that everyone is unique and to be proud of my own culture and heritage.

I learned this from a lunch I had with a very successful businessperson. He’s the chairman of a listed company that’s worth billions. 

I went into this lunch appointment with a notepad and a pen, hoping to get lots of tips from him about investments or things like that.

When I got there, I noticed he didn’t look very happy. And it turned out, he just had a huge fight with his girlfriend the day before.

I remember him saying: “Hey, Kaley, I’m good at business, but I’m not very good with girls.”

So the entire lunch was devoted to me sharing relationship advice with him – and he was the one taking notes!

A day later, he sent me a message thanking me for my help – he got his girlfriend back.

A week later, he brought his girlfriend to my charity event which was raising funds to help the visually impaired in third world countries. He ended up donating 100 surgeries just to say ‘thank you’ to my charity.

He is like a super-rich guy who is double my age and yet he had something to learn from me.

That episode really helped me to be a less self-conscious person. It’s true. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Even successful people like him are not good at everything. And we don’t have to be good at everything.

Just embrace the person you are and the right people, whoever they may be, will stay with you

DRA: You mentioned about your Asian upbringing and how you were culturally pre-disposed to certain thoughts and actions. For example, Asians are often taught to blend in rather than stick out in a crowd, or to keep quiet and not stir problems. Do those cultural traits hinder what you now advocate?

KC: Asians are very good at ‘peacekeeping’. You know, just make sure everybody is happy and getting along. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that. At the same time, if there are things that you feel it’s right to have an opinion on, we shouldn’t be afraid to speak up, because life is short.

It’s also important to say how you really feel if you want to develop true, meaningful and deep connections.

Growing up, I was taught not to say anything negative to people. Even if you disagree, pretend to agree. Make sure you smile even if you’re sad. You know, be a good girl.

I’ve learned that the more open, honest and real you are, the better and deeper the connections tend to be.

You know how people would sometimes avoid controversial topics? I would actually do the opposite. I would bring up a controversial topic just so I get to hear the other person’s opinion.

If you share similar opinions, that’s fantastic and you make a deeper connection. If not, if you’ve been respectful, you learn more from the other person’s perspective than just being politically correct.

A politically correct conversation is meaningless because we are just echoing each other, which is silly.

The other thing is, if we only stay in our little bubble hanging out with the same 10 people in our closed social group, then of course, we’re going to be careful because if you upset one person then If you lose 10% of your friendship.

But if you continue to meet more people, like having lunch with 100 strangers, it doesn’t matter as much, because you are constantly adding new people – many of whom you’ve connected with, on a deeper level.

More importantly, these are people who really like you for who you are and not who you pretend to be.

DRA: You mentioned in one of your speeches that 95% of the people who helped you become who you are today, you didn’t even know a year or two ago. Would you say that’s the power of networking.

KC: I mean everyone around you now is a stranger at one point in time. Even your wife, best friend, business partner, colleague, or whoever you’re hanging out with, they were all strangers at one stage of your life. At some stage, your paths cross, and you formed meaningful connections.

So why are we being reactive waiting for someone to knock on the door, when you can just be proactive and find more of those meaningful connections?

I think networking has a bad reputation, because everyone goes to networking events, just to swap business cards and try to sell each other things and, you know, having all those superficial conversations where you don’t really care about what the other person is talking about.

Those are the types of people you forget a week later. There’s nothing wrong with them. If the goal is just to help each other to grow a business, that’s fine. But that’s not what I want from a lunch. That’s why it needs to be a lunch format.

Instead of a two-minute chat in a networking event, you actually spend an hour talking to a person one-to-one. It’s a pretty long time to hold a deep conversation with someone and to get to know more about each other.

DRA: I noticed in you a sense of fearlessness that I think comes with constantly challenging yourself to get out of your comfort zone. How true is that?

KC: Absolutely, I think confidence comes from you believing in yourself. It’s from within.

I’m very lucky to have met a lot of amazing people through the ‘100 Lunches’ initiative, and they helped me a lot.

Through this journey, I’ve become more open. Every time I meet up with someone with whom I’ve made a connection, I’m more willing to share the challenges that I am facing. I would usually be introduced to another person with the ability or advice to solve the problem.

It doesn’t matter what you want to do in life, chances are someone’s done it before you. So if you’re willing to listen to their expert advice, you’d be fast tracking your success! Thanks to these connections, I’ve been able to do things that I never thought were possible.

The more you gain from such positive experiences, the more confident you become.

DRA: Fear can be crippling for a shy person. So what is your advice for them knowing what you know now?

KC: Wow, there are so many tips that I can share. Broadly speaking, I would say: “find out your ‘why’” – for example, why do you want to do what you want to do? Focus on the results, focus on what you hope to achieve, instead of the scary part.

I love to share my skydiving video to people when I talk about the need to focus on the result. I’ve done many things that I never dreamt of doing a few years ago because of this simple theory.

If you had told me five years ago that I would be doing stand up comedy, I’d be like, don’t be ridiculous. One time, I even became an emcee for an event

When the comfort zone keeps expanding, then things gets easier.

Having lunch with strangers began as something really terrifying to me but now it’s become a hobby. It’s same with public speaking – the exact same process from terrifying to uncomfortable to comfortable to something I love doing.

Have you heard about the Success Cycle. It’s made up of ‘the mindset’, ‘the action’, and ‘the result’.

It goes like this. If your mindset tells you that you are a failure, and can’t do anything, then the action will just do the bare minimum because it flows from a mind that believes you are not going to achieve good results anyway. And because you take minimal action, then you will have minimal results.

Your minimal results would then reinforce your mindset – “see, I told you, you’re a failure, you can’t do anything!”.

The easiest way to change and break that cycle is to take action. If you actually take massive action today, and go: “Okay, I’m going to change. I’m going to send out 30 lunch invitations and have lunch with three people.”

By taking action, you would effectively set things in motion. If you press on and don’t give up, you will undoubtedly achieve results, which would then reinforce your positive mindset, from which you derive the motivation to send out more invitations, and go on more lunches with strangers.   

You can read as much as you want and have all the knowledge in the world but if you don’t do anything, nothing is going to change. So if you want to see change, take action today!